"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" ~ The Grinch

I avoided a LOT of the holiday crush by shopping on line this year. I love that. No...really....I love shopping on line, cuz then it's like xmas when all the packages get delivered to me weeks before xmas. Yes, I know they aren't for me. But I actually like shopping for others, rather than receiving gifts for myself.

No, I'm not going for "most self-less act during the holiday season" award. I just really relish the challenge of buying something for someone that, when the open it, they have a tremendous reaction.

I can't tell you how many times, in my youth, I got stuff that was crap. There...I said it! It took me 40 years, but I've admitted it publicly. And this taught me that you need to make an effort when you buy. The following are examples that, not only scared me for life, but taught me to shop kindly:

There was a macrame belt weaving kit. Really. You can't make this up.

Magic sand that you poured under water and it never got wet. When they tell me I have cancer, years down the road....I'll blame that feckin' magic sand!

The Ant farm. NOTHING good comes from keeping bugs in your home and treating them like pets. Tiny ants came in from outside and actually killed the colony and made the 'farm' their summer residence.

A hamster. Ok....yes...I wanted it. I wanted it bad. And I loved it. But when you buy something that is 'food' for a larger animal, they are not meant to live long and it died a horrible death that was oozy and icky.

So during this holiday season, as you swim the gift buying tide with other Whos, remember to buy from your heart and not with the random coupon you might find. The receiver will appreciate the effort and you will always remember the look on their face that says, "You like me. You get me. You're my favorite."

That's xmas to me.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Tom Stoppard

I have spent the last 20 min combing the internet for a picture of what I want to blog about today. And I can't find anything even close. I'm going to attribute that to being very un-hip, old and more than anything-white.

I bowl on Tuesday nights on the north side of town. And for the most part I'm spoiled by bowling with women, or with my gays. So when I got asked to bowl on a mixed league (straight: very, very straight), I was shocking to me how shocked I was at the folks that bowled there.

It's like when you hit a Spanish station on the radio, by accident, and you just think, "These aren't 'my people'". and then quickly turn it to some pop top 40.

That's how I feel on Tuesday nights. I can't really relate to any of them.

At a certain hour, it's like a switch if flipped and people pour through the doorway to bowl. The brim on the baseball hats are a lil flatter. The pants hang a lil lower. I'm still amazed how someone can walk the lane approach and hold their pants on AND swing the ball in the other hand.

Look....I don't get it. I don't want to see the color of your underwear. I don't want to see your ass creeping up out or your pants. It makes me a lil nuts. Ok, I said it!

This Tues the most amazing foursome came through the door. If I wasn't in the armpit of NY, I would say it was a rap star. And yes...a REAL hip hop shooting star would have looked just as out of place and.....silly. YES....SILLY! So sue me! This was no hip hop artist, that I could tell. Just teenagers out for a night of bowling.

Since I can't find this get-up on line, I'm going to have to describe it to you: metallic gold and black, over sized and matching from hat, to jacket, to his damn shoes, people! He was a scrawny white boy with this enormous jacket on. It was kinda puffy, but the design was what was amazing. It was like metallic golden swirls and his shoes matched perfectly. He hoisted his pants at one point, so those were, of course, hanging off him non-exsistant ass.

His girl was a foot taller and looked like she had stepped out of a Mattel assembly line. She might have been 18, but her plastic surgery was already aging her. Tweedle Dumb & Tweedle Dumber were the henchmen in tow. They sported white tank tops and hippity hoppity type jackets with flat brimmed baseball caps askew.

It was horrifying and amazing all at the same time. And I wondered....am I that old? Have I reached that age my mother was where nothing I liked was 'cool' anymore? If I was younger and hipper would his outfit be awesome?

No. He looked like an idiot.

While I wore my share of silly things in the 80's, I never looked like my mother dressed me in my father's size of matching tag garanimals.

I think I'm ok with finally hitting the un-cool mark in my life. So I can't watch shows like the Grammy's or the MTV Awards. I still have re-runs of the Brady Bunch. And I do have a certain advantage: a belt.

“Being crazy isn't enough.” ― Dr. Seuss

You know the drill. It's that time of year and the calendar is filling up scary fast. The end of another year is screaming towards us. I was shocked to flip the calendar, which I was already 3 days behind, and uncover the first of December.

Shocked!

I was told a looooong time ago, probably by a teacher that I thought was old as dirt and now I'm older than she was when she told me, that as you get older the time passes faster.

Holy Oprah pass the bucket cuz this motion sick momma ain't gonna handle the next couple decades well.

With the holidays comes the rush of shopping and wearing out the numbers on your plastic cards. Mine is almost see-thru at this point. Thank you Cyber Monday for on-line shopping deals. At least I got that taken care of, right quick. My office-mate scowled at me when I announced I was done shopping. I triumphant declaration with a fist pump for effect. But when your family is 3,000 miles away, you have to think ahead.

That doesn't slow down time either.

Looking ahead on the calendar is quite dizzying: trips are booked for Feb and April. The high holy month of March is stacked to the rafters already, with my lil Irish Radio show. That's as far as I dare to look into my crystal ball. If I know too much ahead of time I might just become a hermit and find a cave to crawl into.

I need to sit down. But certainly there is no time to do it. Maybe Santa will bring me a 13 month year! But knowing my life, I'll find a way to shove that full of 'to-dos' before you can say "I'm sorry, I'm busy that day."

Calgon take me away!