Like sands through the hour glass.....

After you lose your dad, the strangest things will set you off.

I went to my girlfriend's first volleyball game of the season. It's at a local bar that has two sand v-ball courts. The wind was icy cold and I wasn't envying them at all for having to play in the wet, chilly sand. I was sure there would be blue toes before the first match was through.

There was a table near their court that the sun was shining on. I decided that might be my only hope for warmth. I parked it on the attached, metal seat and dug the soles of my sneakers into the sand. The familiar give, even as fine and wet as it was, sent me hurtling into a maelstrom of sadness.

I was 3000 miles from the beach I use to go to growing up. In times of stress or contemplation I would walk out and plop down into the cool, coarse sand of the west coast. The sun, extinguishing in the Pacific. The sky painted with brush strokes of oranges and pinks.

The beach was my 'happy place'. It's where I would go to work my shit out. I got a LOT of shit right now. And being in that v-ball court, so far from home, only exacerbated my woes into a giant hill of shit. I held back the welling tears that threatened to spill over. I could always blame it on the wind, kicking sand up.

You would think that there is nothing worse than suddenly losing your dad. But you know what's worse....walking away from your hurting family to get on a plane. Knowing that you're not going to be able to make a drive to see them next weekend.

Oh no......if I want to get to my family, it's a 7 hour plane ride and at least $400 every time I have the urge to visit. And don't forget I'm completely ham stringed by vacation days. There are only so many. I can't just take off "unpaid". I have to have time allotted.

Did I mention I was an artist with an out of work writer for a girlfriend?

Ya...Rockefeller we ain't.

For as long as I can remember, I wake up every morning, a sheen of sweat on my back, fighting through a dream of frustration and anger. Now I'm living the frustration of being held back from those that need me, from those I want to be with right now.