"Maybe you can help me....."

It's the worst part of my job....and I can't do a durn thing about. I have to answer the phones. Just in the morning, mind you. But I have to cover them if they don't get picked up or the office manager, who does the afternoons, is out.

I hate it.

I hate it cuz I have to stop what I'm doing to answer it. Usually I'm tracing something and need one hand on the mouse and one hand on my keyboard. I'll be almost around the object I'm tracing and the phone rings. I have to let go of one or the other and I watch the 'rubber band' outline snap short over what I was tracing, thus having to start all over again.

If that wasn't bad enough...the idiots that actually call me at work, make life even more miserable!

"Good morning. How may I direct your call?"

"I would like to talk to your general manager."

"I'm sorry...he's not in, but I can give you his voice mail."

"Well then maybe I could talk to your sales manager."

"I'm sorry, but he's in a sales meeting, but I can give you HIS voice mail."

"Well.....um....hmmmmm.......maybe YOU can help me."

Ok. Now here is where I start to turn green and grow out of my clothes. I want to reach through the phone and grab them by the neck and say, "Look....Einstein! You're asking for the two guys that run the joint. Do you really think that the person that answers the phone is going to have the answers that you seek? Say you're looking for....I don't know.... Buddha, but you run into the janitor for the monastery, do you think the janitor is going to answer your burning question, "What is Dhammapada?"

No...he's not. And ya know what...I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THAT IS EITHER!

But for some reason, folks that call think that I'm going to have all the answers! For all they know, I'm a high school kid with a nail file and a trashy novel, chewing gum and caring less.

And people...I know some names are tricky, but really...one employee's last name is Bishoff. I don't find that incredibly hard to pronounce. But this guy is called, Bishkoff, Fishoff, Fishkill, Bishtakoff, and my favorite, Bisquick.

Another gem is when they say, "Ya...I was talking to a guy there, but I don't know his name."

HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THEIR NAME?!?!? You just said YOU were talking to them! Then I have to do the Denny's waitress routine and go down my entire list of salad dress....er...sales guys to see if he recognizes the name. The AWESOME moment comes when this numb nut says, "Ya....none of them...do you have anyone else?"

Do I?? Ya...I got five guys on my left hand that are going to curl around you throat if I ever find you.

Then you got your old school callers that are scared to leave a voicemail...so I have the lucky job of jotting down their message and then delivering it! Ya...like that's a time saver to my day...when they say, "Listen...just take down my info and pass it on."

Oh sure...I'll stop MY job to do YOUR job that you're suppose to do on their voicemail. I'm sorry THAT is too much for you! To sit on your fat ass and move your chafe lips, from sucking on someones ass all day, up and down to make sound come out....NO...NO....I WOULD LOVE TO TAKE DICK-TATION FOR YOU AND MAYBE GET A CUP OF COFFEE AND A FOOT RUB!!!!

I think the next time they say it...I'm going to say back, "Maybe YOU can help ME....don't ask me any stupid questions!"

Ya...I know...then my job would get a lot easier.....cuz I wouldn't have one!