There's one thing that is a constant complaint when the holidays loom: Xmas lights. They tangle they, knot up, but seriously....can't we make a strand that lasts longer than one holiday?
We hang four lit garlands and one lit wreath on the outside of the house, each year. It's a chore just to drag them all down from the summer chalet, the attic. Then untangle the garlands themselves, as there is really no good way to "wind them up" and put them away.
Then we do the "baby Jesus please let them work" prayer....and plug them in.
GODDAMNMUTHERFUCKINSONOFABITCH!!!
Sure enough, there it is! The dark end of the garland. Dead to the world. A second strand flickers with life for a second, then blinks out completely. We wiggle and poke at the strand thinking some how we can find the magic spot to create life again.....mmmmmmnope.
It was especially annoying with the side window garlands this year. Only because there are two of them. And the lights we put on them last year were actually two tone. With one of them out, both had to be replaced.
The long process of unwinding the burnt out string from the prickly, plastic pine commenced. The cat thinking it's all a game for her to get wound up in. Artificial pine needles coating the floor.
Then we have to intertwine the new lights onto the garland. "This wouldn't take us half as long if things would just WORK!", LTR wisely pronounces.
Last year I actually just put the garlands up and didn't test them. Guess who had to shimmy her big ol' bottom right back up the ladder and take down the half burned out garland from the front of the house?
And what is the lil clear 'light first aid' package that hangs off every string? Fuses? REALLY? The string cost me 99¢ at an after Xmas sale. Do you think I'm really going to take the time to try and see if the fuse is blown? Where the hell is the fuse anyway? You have to slide open the plug and slip out the old fuse. Now I'm guessing you should be able to see if it's actually blown, you know, like 'burnt' looking. Unless there is a microscope in the lil bag as well....I'm not going to be able to figure that one out.
And thanks for adding the extra bulbs, but you can't tell what freakin' bulb went out in the first place! If you think I'm going to unplug and plug in hundreds of lights to try and solve this one, fugedaboudit!
Did I mention 100 lights cost me less than a buck?
Don't get me wrong...I love lights: Xmas, novelty, tiki, lava, spinning cop lights, laser light shows. I'm kind of a light whore. But I need more out of my light relationship than a one time deal. I need to know that, if we don't see each other for a while, I can still count on them. That they won't give up the first chance they get. I need a light that has a lil staying power. I want my lights to be strong and yet gentle enough that they don't blow out when they are on.
I think I know what I've been doing wrong all these years....I should be getting my lights from a personal ad in the classifieds!
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