Heat = Hair

We are having a heatwave here in the North East. It's not pretty.

I've lived here 12 years now, and I do love 'hot'. It's the humidity that kicks my ass. It's like walking through soup! You get out of the shower, get dressed and you're drenched in moisture the second you walk out the door.

The car temp hit 98 yesterday. They have this thing called the "heat index" which mixes the effect of the humidity in with the temp. That's at 112 today, just in case you weren't hot enough.

Sticky girly bits aside...the worst part about heat? Men! Usually ugly, fat, bushy backed, old farts that decide it's ok to strip when it's hot. I can't tell you how many times I almost barfed just trying to get home yesterday.

One guy had a gunt on him that hung down past his belt-line by a good foot. He stood, watering his lawn, and burning my eyes.

Another fine specimen walked down the street with his shirt as a turban and his hair entrenched breasts swaying, as he lumbered down the street.

I'm sorry...but if you're going to insist that women cover up their chest, men should also have the same regulation for indecent exposure. 80% of the guys I saw, had bigger boobs than I do.

Then you have the guys, usually a lil younger, that insist on pulling just the front of their shirt up, so that their fat belly sticks out. I'm not sure if this is some ingrained mating tactic from caveman days, or their cooling panel is JUST in their belly. Either way....it's not working. Cover it or get a six pack. And I don't mean the one you drink. It's obvious you've had your share of the beer kind.

Let's talk hair for a minute. (and JUST a minute, cuz really...I will toss my breakfast onto my keyboard)

My sisters and I used the "puff factor" method of hair for men. A mess of hair just at the v-neck under shirt was a 1 or 2. Sticking out the sleeves or getting their gold necklace tangled in it, 4. If the shirt could actually stand up on the matt of curly mess that was beneath, then it was puff factor 10 and you should avert your eyes.

My sister Marlo and I were in the car one day, when I noticed ahead of us in a VW, was the only man who broke the scale with a 12. His tank top couldn't contain the hair that covered his body like a shitious halo of dark evil. The sun, setting in front of us, illuminated the height so that we could see where his skin stopped and the hair continued. It was a good inch and a half above his body. (oh crap...here comes my yogurt and granola!!)

I understand you guys are hot. I understand that, for every gross guy out there, I could find a woman wearing a tube top and hot pants that has no business doing so, but comeOHN! The worst part is you all think you look like Tom Cruise's sexy, younger brother without your shirt on.

YOU DON'T!!! Cover up or at least wear a bikini top. You're scaring the kids.