A corpse is a corpse of course of course...

For the past two years I've had a dead arm popping out of a coffin, which I put over a fogger and a light, in my yard haunt. I've been too intimidated to make the rest of my bony fella.

I bow to the greatness that is pumpkinrot.com and spookyblue.com. Now those guys.....those guys can make a corpse! (and pretty much anything else that will make you wet yourself) pumpkinrot does a yard haunt that makes my loins moist!

TMI?

So this year, is the year, I sucked up my pride and went to work on my very own corpse! I even bought extra foam wig stands, for the head, in case I made a mistake! I sat in front of Dancing With the Stars last night, which seems wrong for some reason, and started a rib cage.

I know...you're going to have to re-read that sentence. I'll wait............

The great thing is that I'm not alone! There are pages of helpful "monster making" websites that have taken all the trial and error out of creating your very own rotting zombie! So with a pile of news paper to roll into bones and brown masking tape to keep it together, I started to build myself one good looking, skeleton torso!

You would think that was the hard part. Nope. I have to "skin" the thing. You make up a mixture of Elmer's glue and paper mache the bunch of bones so that you give it that dried out skin look, that is very high fashion in the corpse world these days.

Of course I should have started a loooong time ago, with sealing it and curing it and such, but it is what it is and I'm working with what I got. I'll cross my fingers and hope Halloween this year is dry.

Cuz limp skeleton bones are NOT scary!

When you lose a friend...

...and a family member, it's the absence that gets you. You expect to see them come around a corner or mew in your direction.

Jez, our grey gal, lived 18 years. 16 of them were a soft life with my girl Laura. For 13 of them, she gladly accepted another momma into her routine. And I was happy her majesty allowed me.

I taught her that the brush was her friend, that treats were plentiful and that there was always time for a good, ol fashioned ear rub. I was a good servant.

She was our diva, who never had time for the other pets, but allowed them to live in her kingdom. No cat's coat was softer. She would give a mink a run for its money. Her eyes so blue it made the sky jealous.

In her last months, she grew bold and brassy. With trips out to the yard and into the afternoon sun. Who says you can't teach an old girl new tricks? She learned to use the kitty door, when she much preferred her minions open the door for her.

She stuck closer in those later days. Clung to our thighs when we sat, circled our feet when we walked, found her way back to the 'family bed', dog be damned! She went from fat cat to catwalk thin, but her appetite was huge! Don't let your finger linger when passing a treat of chicken her way. SNAP!

And when it was time...it was time. Her two mommas, who loved her so, by her side. She fell asleep, with dreams of Whisker Lickens and rubs under her chin, in that one spot, right where she loved it most.

Her eye lids drooped and she sighed the smallest of sighs. Almost to say, "If I close my eyes....I can see a plate of tuna waiting on the other side."

Long live the queen!

Come, you spirits, that tend on mortal thoughts

It seems Halloween is ALL I can think of lately. I've got it in my soul these days. Not many folks have a favorites folder, on their computer, that h0lds nothing but Halloween links. From fonts to monster building how-to sites, I have them all neatly packed, just a click away, and visit them often during the day.

I made the mistake of stopping into Target last night. The excitement that swelled in my chest, as I gazed upon all the Hallo-goodies! I tend to wait to purchase things, cuz the price goes down quick on seasonal goods. Major purchases are the day after at 75%, but then it's the luck of the draw for whatever is left. Seeing as many of the items at Target were few, I felt the need to purchase some lights. It wasn't just any string of lights...they were motion activated mini strobes on a string with sound effects!!

Come ON! How could I pass those up? I have no idea what I'm going to do with them. But I got'em!

I try my darndest to put on a yard haunt every year. My only problem is my goal is to scare the peewaddy out of the kids. My girlfriends goal is to happily hand out candy and try to get through the night without me making someone cry. Our ideas of perfect Halloweens seems to conflict.

I'm working a 4 fog machine (one of them a ground fogger) operation here! Someone better cry!

I got ground breaking zombies, I got giant spiders, I got ravens with glowing eyes! I've got a boom box in the front blasting Midnight Syndicate and I've got an ipod on an outdoor speaker cranking out Rusty Knife at the front door. Strobe lights, red traffic lights, green and blue spot lights....I've got um!

For a number of years I was a goth, rock and roll vampire, Manson contacts in my eyes and all. I'd lurk in the dark shadows by the front door and then come running out to the kids who were already inching their way up the walk.

You see....grandpa sits by the front door. A hidden fog machine sits under his chair, to give just an extra jump out of the kids that make it that far! It's all the can see at the end of the walkway. They need to walk the walk if they want the chocolate. Some of them...never make it. That's when I get to run them all the way to the street!

Last year I was grandpa. I had lulled the kiddies into a false sense of ease that grandpa was nothing more than a newspaper stuffed creation. Then up I rose! I chased kids halfway down the block, groaning and waving my kettle of candy around, "You forgot your candy!"

One kid in a group, scattering as fast as they feet would carry them, dropped his sack while running away. The other kids grabbed him, "LEAVE IT!!"

Leave it? LEAVE IT?!?! sigh....A crowning moment...truly. What kid would ever leave the holy grail, which on Halloween appears as a pillowcase stuffed with sweets, to run for their life? Only one that felt their life was in danger.

My work here....is done!

one and two and breathe and smile....

I've managed to get up two mornings in a row to work out.

You have NO idea how important that sentence is. I've been falling apart the past few months. And it scares me. I'm a youthful 42. I am. I mentally think I'm in my 30's and I'm not actually a healthy weight. I'm the opposite of anorexia...I actually THINK I'm Thin! Or at least I consider myself "functionally fat". I can play sports, hike, run around with kids under 5 for a game of tag. But movie theater seats still leave marks on my hips.

I'm only reminded of how heavy I really am when I'm passing, say a big shop window. And in the reflection, I wonder why the fat gal behind me is walking so close to me. Then it dawns on me.....that's me.

Or our vacation pics for instance. There is one picture that looks like I'm that fat guy in the Guinness World Records book for being the biggest human alive. They had to bury him in a piano case as a coffin. And yes...the angle is bad and the sofa is low and I'm not sitting up straight, but honestly...I'm Cabba the Hut in that picture!

After a series of aches and pains: tennis (bowling) elbow, plantar facitis, the inability to get off the couch after sitting for too long...I realize I'm horribly out of shape and headed downhill fast. I won't have any muscle left to save myself if I don't do something soon.

So...I rise.

Head down to the basement to the "workout pen", where we have all the equipment I need to try and turn back the hands of time and halt the decay that seems to be happening to these old bones.

Tomorrow - day 3.

If I can do it for a week, it will be habit for me. And this habit is much better than some of the other ones I've picked up along the way.

"Daddy....what's a democrat?"

So I'm standing in line, to take my turn voting in our primaries for mayor, and a dad and his darling lil girl step to the side after voting to wait for mom. We still have those old fashion voting booths where you pull a lever and the curtain closes and you flip a lil switch that punches a hole in your vote. Or at least you have to trust that it does.

As they were waiting the little girl asked her dad what the sign taped to the table said. "It says Republican ballots look like this....and Democrats look like this."

"What's a Democrat daddy?"

Daddy was a lil uneasy. He couldn't possibly say what he would like to say, as you don't really know who's standing in line.

"It's another kind of party, honey."

To his relief, mother got out of the booth and they started to leave. Not before "What's a democrat daddy?" caught fire with another little girl standing in line with her parents.

"Daddy...daddy? What's a democrat? What's a democrat, daddy?"

"I don't know honey...I'm still trying to figure that out."

To which I think he got an elbow in his rib from his wife.

It was my turn to step up to the 100 year old women at the table. I stated nice and loud, "DEMOCRAT.....GILBERT"

Hey "daddy", want I should tell you daughter what a DEMOCRAT is? It would go something like this; Democrats are open minded folks who believe that the constitution was written for everyone, not just rich, white guys, like your daddy. The Statue of Liberty is a Democrat. The book she holds in her arm says, "Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free." Democrats are true patriots that don't want to just have it be big business as usual, they want to actually make things better. Like making sure the earth is still able to sustain life when YOU want to have children.

I'd pat her on the head and smile. And then I would smile at daddy...hoping to see just a hint of sweat on his brow.

One more time round the rotary!

A week on the Cape is just not long enough. I never even really heard of "The Cape", till I moved to upstate NY. But it does seem like, under certain laws, everyone is suppose to vacation there at some point.

We rent a house on the cheap in Yarmouth (pronouced YA-muth, by the locals). If it wasn't for this sweet deal I don't think we could afford a town were lobster dinners are the thing.

It is nice to got to Provincetown, a gay mecca, and walk down the street, holding my honey's hand and not feeling like you're going to get beat up. Rainbow flags flutter over head and every store is gay friendly. Team of 'tribe' members stroll the street, shopping in the cute lil stores or eating in the hip outdoor cafes.

You don't think about a simple thing like PDA (Public Display of Affection) until you can't do it. In every day settings LTR and I rarely touch. So when you get to P-town and reach for each other's hands, it's an odd sensation at first: holding hands in the light of day, in a public street.

Isn't that saaaad?!?! No...really....sad! We've been together 13 years and it takes a once a year vacation in a totally safe environment that we can feel free to hold hands?!?

Sad!

The weather was grey and kept us to only one beach day. That was a bummer. But as they say, crappy weather on vacation is STILL better than crappy weather at home. So I'll take what I can get.

Back to the grind this morning, it seems that time has stalled and the clock no longer moves. This after it speeding around it's pale face and stealing time from our Cape escape.

There's always next year.

It's the best state fair.. in our state

It's that time of year folks! Welcome to the Great New York State Fair.

Being a transplant from California, this was an awesome experience for me. I gotta tell ya...when funds are put into creating a giant sculpture made of out of butter or you find folks boasting they can deep fry an Oreo, you've got MY attention!

This event really is the crossroads of humanity. You've got folks that crawl out from under rocks to go to this thing; toothless, shoeless, stumbling drunk! It's worth eating a four foot long rope of fried dough, rolled in crunchy bakers sugar, on a bench near the emu barn just to watch the parade of crazy walk on by.

Duck races, stunt dog shows, chainsaw carving, the John Deer synchronized dance team...I could go on and on and on. It's a non-stop list of events that make your jaw drop and say, "Really? Who does this kinda thing?"

Among the various "circus freak show" type events is the product placement. You can do your large item shopping at the state fair as well, oh yes! Need a tractor? What about a hot tub? There must be 5 different hot tub dealers at the fair. Cuz when I'm thinking fried food till I puke, I'm also thinking about getting into a bathing suit and taking a dip!

"Damn...if I had only bought one bloomin' onion I could have bought a hot tub!"

Mops that don't absorb, multi-task choppers that never seems to do all the things they promise, ink pens you blow through to make fantastic art (and pass out due to lack of oxygen), telescoping flag poles, cell phone accessories, tiedye everything, sunglasses for $10, sunglasses for $8 or sunglasses 2 for $15.

It makes the childhood tune of "Which of these things is NOT like the other..." play over and over in my head. There are not many places you can get shit faced on draft beer and pet a giraffe all in the same day.

Thank Oprah it only comes around once a year....I'd never go home!