If diamonds are a girl's best friend...where does that leave my dog?

I was struck by the amount of commercials this holiday season for diamonds: rings, pendants, loose, set in your press on nails, up in your grill, you name it!

It seems in an economy like ours, diamonds shouldn't really be all that high on the list. They cost A LOT!! And while some folks see them as an investment, the poor shlub that's giving them to the woman in their life, ain't gonna see a 'return' when she walks out the door with his investment, the kids and half his crap.

But more than the number of these commercials, it's been the message. We've been told that "A Diamond is Forever", I mean...that's commitment! Did you know that Americans were really the only ones that needed a diamond engagement ring? In the 60's diamond sellers started targeting Europe and Japan with the frenzy that women in America ask for their "best friend" for any occasion these days.

That's right, the diamond is no longer just for bent knee. Nooooo. Now women, probably a lil older, still waiting for Mr. Right while climbing the corporate ladder, can buy their own "right hand ring". Ya...it's soooo important to have a diamond that you can literally propose to your SELF!

So there on the TV, commercial after commercial, is pretty much the message: Who cares about the guy...how big was the diamond?

Ahhhhh....the sanctity of marriage! Viva Las Vegas, baybee!

I'm seeing why they don't want gays to get married. The diamond industry would take a serious hit. I'm pretty sure the lesbians would be the most likely to tie the knot. Lesbians can't afford diamonds, ya'll! Now gay men....double 'male' income, no babies? They would be draped in diamonds!

Not so much the lady friends.

I'm thinking a bent nail, from the Home Depot isle they met in. Or maybe the baby spoon their Asian daughter used, wrapped around the ring finger. And of course rainbow jewelry....Lezzies looooooove the rainbows! The colors of gay pride, forever melted into silver. Nothing says tacky like decorating jewelry in rainbow colors.

Then there is the tattoo ring. The name of your lover, carefully scripted, around your ring finger, to last forever. Only women would be THAT crazy!

Maybe the diamond people were on to something there. Maybe they just meant tattoos.

When technology goes, not with a bang but a whimper.

UGH! My XM radio just fried! I haven't been out to check it again, but I think it's toast.

I got the SkyFi3 so I could record Rosie O's show and then bring it from my car to my desk and listen there. It records, which it awesome and the reason I went looking for this model. One of the downfalls to satellite radio is you can't get it inside, unless you have a window somewhere you can put the antenna in. (which they would be glad to sell you for an additional charge)

Now maybe it's my fault for finding a "reconditioned" one for $20 instead of the $160 they were selling for normally. You have to try and get a deal with satellite radio. I mean these XM radios are like an al la carte sushi menu. You want a cable to hook it up? It's gonna cost ya. You want an antenna headphone to listen away from your car? It's gonna cost ya. You want the cradle so you can listen to it in the car? Yep...it's going to cost ya.

So with the help of ebay and google...I got about a $300 package for about $60

Then this morning....all my corner cutting karma came back to kick me in the slats.

Don't get me wrong..I love the XM! Radio stations in Syracuse SUCK EGGS!! When you come from Los Angeles where there is pretty much a station for every digit on the dial, you expect at least a bountiful choice for your listening pleasure.

Here there seems to be repeat station every quarter way down the dial. They are broadcasting at four different frequencies, broadcasting the same crap on all four of them. One local station starts Xmas music the day after Halloween! WTF?!?!

But let's get back to the issue at hand...or at ear, as the case maybe. Now, to record Rosie on my radio, I need to leave the XM radio plugged in. As I was getting out of the car, I accidentaly unplugged it then plugged it back into the lighter socket. When I did, all the lights went out and I couldn't get the thing to come back to life!

I took it out of its cradle and tried to manually turn it on. Nothing. Dead, dead, deadsky.

That really jams my muffins! I mean, come-OHN! I've had this thing for three months and it's going to shit the bed NOW? And the worst part is Santa doesn't even know I need one! I didn't get a chance to put it on my list, for the love of Oprah!

No...NO....even worse...I had to pay $15 to get my account changed to the SkyFi3 from the dinky lil receiver I started with. So if Santa DID bring me a new one, I'd have to pay ANOTHER $15 anyway!

OMG! Even worse than that.....I'm missing ROSIE right now! AAAAGH!

This is such a MONDAY! I'm going to go weep softly into my palms now. Happy F'n Holidays.

"I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type." ~Bob Hope

I'm there....I've gotten THAT old.

I need a magnifying mirror.

We were at the mother-in-laws for T-day and, in an effort to make myself look presentable, I decided to rid myself of my mono brow. Ok...it wasn't really a mono brow. But if I left alone, it would certainly meet in the middle at some point. If only to match the Stalin sized mustache that would crop up on my lip if that wasn't weed whacked off my face with regular facescaping.

Did I mention I am part Italian?

Since her mirror has terrible lighting, I spotted a small hand mirror in a decorative basket. I use one at home so I can get closer to the light. So this was perfect! I leaned up against the window, with the bright morning light streaming in, lifted the mirror to my face and instantly recoiled in horror!

There was a large plantation of tobacco leaves growing on my forehead!!!

When I finally caught my breath, from the scare, I realized that mumsie had a magnifying mirror. When I held it a safe distance, I found that I could see everything I had missed for months! And with the realization that the end of my eyebrows could be braided, I realized that I needed magnification.

It's like admitting that the aging process is really happening. Like when your prescription in your glasses changes, or your knees creak when you get out of bed. When you see children and someone tells you they are actually college students.

Did I mention how many wrinkles that bitch of a mirror shows as well?

So it seems that the older I get, the more I need items that will, ultimately, point out how old you've gotten.

I can't wait to get a cane...I'm going to smash the shit out of that mirror!

"We now know a thousand ways not to build a light bulb” ~ Edison

There's one thing that is a constant complaint when the holidays loom: Xmas lights. They tangle they, knot up, but seriously....can't we make a strand that lasts longer than one holiday?

We hang four lit garlands and one lit wreath on the outside of the house, each year. It's a chore just to drag them all down from the summer chalet, the attic. Then untangle the garlands themselves, as there is really no good way to "wind them up" and put them away.

Then we do the "baby Jesus please let them work" prayer....and plug them in.

GODDAMNMUTHERFUCKINSONOFABITCH!!!

Sure enough, there it is! The dark end of the garland. Dead to the world. A second strand flickers with life for a second, then blinks out completely. We wiggle and poke at the strand thinking some how we can find the magic spot to create life again.....mmmmmmnope.

It was especially annoying with the side window garlands this year. Only because there are two of them. And the lights we put on them last year were actually two tone. With one of them out, both had to be replaced.

The long process of unwinding the burnt out string from the prickly, plastic pine commenced. The cat thinking it's all a game for her to get wound up in. Artificial pine needles coating the floor.

Then we have to intertwine the new lights onto the garland. "This wouldn't take us half as long if things would just WORK!", LTR wisely pronounces.

Last year I actually just put the garlands up and didn't test them. Guess who had to shimmy her big ol' bottom right back up the ladder and take down the half burned out garland from the front of the house?

And what is the lil clear 'light first aid' package that hangs off every string? Fuses? REALLY? The string cost me 99¢ at an after Xmas sale. Do you think I'm really going to take the time to try and see if the fuse is blown? Where the hell is the fuse anyway? You have to slide open the plug and slip out the old fuse. Now I'm guessing you should be able to see if it's actually blown, you know, like 'burnt' looking. Unless there is a microscope in the lil bag as well....I'm not going to be able to figure that one out.

And thanks for adding the extra bulbs, but you can't tell what freakin' bulb went out in the first place! If you think I'm going to unplug and plug in hundreds of lights to try and solve this one, fugedaboudit!

Did I mention 100 lights cost me less than a buck?

Don't get me wrong...I love lights: Xmas, novelty, tiki, lava, spinning cop lights, laser light shows. I'm kind of a light whore. But I need more out of my light relationship than a one time deal. I need to know that, if we don't see each other for a while, I can still count on them. That they won't give up the first chance they get. I need a light that has a lil staying power. I want my lights to be strong and yet gentle enough that they don't blow out when they are on.

I think I know what I've been doing wrong all these years....I should be getting my lights from a personal ad in the classifieds!

Going to the chapel and I STILL can't get married!

Nothing was more heartbreaking then the Albany Senate voting down gay marriage.

Sigh

It's amazing how elected officials, who "vote their conscience" have forgotten that that's not what they got elected to do for the people of NY. Here's a reminder: You're suppose to protect our rights!

What do you fear, people!?! If my partner of 13 years and I get hitched....what does it harm? Are you afraid we really will stay together 'till death do us part' and shame all you het politicians that can't keep a marriage going for more than a few years? That if we stay faithful and monogamous to each other, you will be embarrassed that you cheat on your wives on a regular basis?

Are you worried we are "NORMAL"! That if you make "gay" legal....there's no excuse why YOU'RE in the closet!!

Whatever their reasons, they let down a large number of their voters, and the families that wanted to go to weddings of their children, siblings and friends. They let an opportunity to help our limping economy in NY, by having all those weddings. They continue to make some people "special" with one set of rights, while another set have to continue to pay more to exist on a daily basis.

Gay is OK folks! It happens in nature all the time.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_animals_displaying_homosexual_behavior

Where homosexuality got a bad wrap and had to go underground...I'm not sure. Isn't it just another facet of Human Sexuality? Bisexuals get better respect than 'Mos. I mean isn't the bi-curious girl in every porn movie ever made? All men want two women at some point. And for you bible freaks, didn't Jesus have his apostles leave their wives, to put on dresses and sandals and hang out together all the time? Ruth left her home, pregnant, to live with Naomi. And they raised the child as their own. Totally unheard of in those times.

I mean, if two male buffalo hook up and decide to live together, do we really lose sleep over that?

Male seahorses actually have the babies. Hmmmm....human men have nipples.....why isn't everyone worried we might just switch things over and have the dudes carry the babies. I mean, aren't the chances of that about as great as hets getting that 51% divorce rate under control?

If I was a bad person, I could see where you get that 'abnormal' thing from. But Laura and are about the most normal folks you're going to run across. As my sister said, we have the strongest relationship she knows of, including all her straight friends!

Tell ya what...I won't get married in your church, but I would like to get married. I just need the same 1,400 rights you have. I'm not asking for MORE rights...just the same. And really, if you want to talk about it, I would love to calmly discuss it. I'm really easy to get along with. Seriously...ask anyone that knows me. I'm downright...well...NORMAL!

Over the river, through the woods, and frisked by the TSA

It's that time of year again! Tis the season to spend wads of cash on airline tickets and get boned.

The airline industry is the worst! You spend $400 for something, you expect it to be exactly what you signed up for. Not with the airlines.

By the time I'm ready to fly home to Cali for the Xmas holiday, my flight will be changed, layovers will be lengthened and luggage will be lost. It happens every time. A couple days before I'm suppose to take off, the emails start filling my box:

"There has been a change in your flight itinerary."

Really? Cuz I paid you ass-munches $400 for that specific itinerary!

Let's put it this way....say you buy a box of cereal at the market. You roll it up to the register, you mentally kick yourself for forgetting your environment friendly bag, and you pay. Now maybe you paid a lil more for this box of fiber that promises youth and proper bowel movements, but what's wrong with paying a lil extra.

The next morning you wake up to someone knocking on the door. It's the cashier from the market. "I'm sorry...I have to take your cereal back...you can't eat that till tomorrow." How many of us would gladly hand the cereal back and say, "Oh...no problem. I was going to have eggs this morning anyway. I'll see you tomorrow to pick it up again."

F-NO you wouldn't. It would be more like, "WTF??? I bought that goddamn cereal and I'll eat it when I want it. And if you even THINK about stepping into this house, I will shoot you."

Cuz you love your crunch berries, damn it!

But when the airlines drop a lil letter bomb in your email, we sigh, bend over, and take it right up the pooper!

Why is it not illegal? It sure feels like it. You can't bait and switch at stores anymore. They found that to be illegal. And you would think with such a high priced ticket item, it would seem even more important not to screw folks over.

Maybe it's the fear that if you make a stink, you might not ever get on the plane. You don't dare take that option where they offer you free tickets to wait for the next flight. You could wait till New Year's Eve!

Nope...it doesn't pay to be the squeaking wheel on the landing equipment. Maybe Santa can bring me a private jet and shove it in my stocking. Cuz I'm about ready to shove something up the airlines chimney.